I still like it. I have been pondering upon many things while gazing with semi-open eyes at this cool celestial body, floating peacefully in a cosmic sky. It has taken me to many places I never normally allow myself to visit. I have wandered. I have been let loose into far-off worlds that turned out to be not so distant after all.
I wish I would give myself as much space when I am well as when I am sick. Once back on my feet, I forget me, and become the 'doer'. Like some pesticide infected bee, I flit about distractedly from one thing to the next, chaotically constructing my day out of odds and ends - I achieve so very little and exhaust myself in the process.
What am I doing? For the most part I have no idea. If I should stop and consider, the thought that always grabs me is that of survival. I am running away to stay alive - I am running away from me.
When I am ill I know it is because my body wants me to pay attention. 'Stop!' it tells me. 'Listen to me, or I will make you listen!' And so it does. This latest episode has, like others in recent times, been very interesting. I got stressed out - overwhelmed in fact. Dangerously on the edge of blowing a fuse. Too much had been asked of me, and I did not speak up to say 'No'. I have not been my own champion. I have allowed other influences to push me and push me and push me... Irritation, resentment, anger... all these things build up, and if not given right and healthy expression, inevitably turn inwards. My vibe was dropping like a stone and I was vulnerable. I found myself in town surrounded by people. As I walked out onto the main street I was hit by a wall of energy that had my ears pounding. In my overwhelm I forgot to be mindful, and within 20 minutes was feeling the effects of a building migraine. The next day my chest was closing down and my head was full of sludge. 'Are you listening to me now?'
Just now I watched on youtube the delightful and charismatic Robert Plant. For an hour I listened as he talked about his life and music, and I was captivated. Many things came to me while listening to his songs and watching the images of his life unravel. I realised there is an undeniable truth that we all come to know in the end... And that is, one only really regrets the things one didn't do - not the things one did. At least if you have a go, there's a purpose. If you never wander off the path, grab life by the throat, put yourself at risk and howl at the moon, you never experience the rush of Life in all its awesome, gritty, earthiness. So you crash and burn occasionally! So what! Better that than waste away staring at a wall.
I have this awful feeling that most of us waste away. Like my daughter says, we all turn into zombies in the end. She says she feels like a tiger in a cage - so much life, but not able to live it. From time to time a toy gets thrown in to occupy the tiger's mind, but always boredom returns, and then the tiger sees its cage and dies a little more. Before we know it, its over. We have lived our lives as shadows of our true nature - never showing our full colours, never shining, never real.
Led Zepplin in the 70s is but a breath away to me, but time would have it otherwise. Decades have passed, and if I am not careful I could easily become lost in the deceit and suffocating lies of old stories. I am living now - I am not the same.
May we all come to know that we are here to be ourselves in all our flawed perfection. However we do it, it is good enough. Never believe them when they tell you your voice cannot be heard. However you sing, sing loud and clear from the infinite nature that you are. Never believe you can't live your dreams - everything in this world began as someone's dream.
Soon I will be well again. After all... all things must pass. But can I keep my clarity amongst the chaos when I return to the land this side of the floating moon?
We shall see.