I am too scared to write what I was going to today. My courage has deserted me, and now i find myself in judgment of my own weakness. I was going to share a piece of my history. I was going to bring it out into the open at long last. I was going to shine the light of awareness on this 'something' that writes my daily scripts, and has run so many aspects of my life for decades. But I cannot. I cannot write myself into the depths and darkness of a trauma that haunts me every day of my life and share it so easily. I simply cannot.
Some things go so deep, so far under the surface, so distorted by fear, that to travel there alone might mean never to return.
But I am lucky. I may not be able to write of it just yet, but I am starting to talk about it, and I am starting to cry about it. I am being guided professionally you see, and have assistance in dealing with this past trauma. So many others never have this option. They never have a chance. They live on with the demons trapped inside of them, whispering their lies, persuading and tricking them. I want my demons gone. I want to be free.
I am in the middle of a process that is allowing my mind to go where it needs to go, in order to be free of the emotional attachments to the past. In essence, I am being re-programmed!
What will it look like when I am free? How will it feel? What shall I do? Could I ever be as I was before the events took place?
In truth, I'm not sure I would want to be as I used to be. Surely I must have learned something from it all - something that would have made me a better, wiser, kinder person? Surely there was a purpose in there somewhere?
But looking for a reason, for vaildation of my suffering, means I must still be attached to my trauma. So I'm not there yet. I'm not able to think of the events without a charge, without my investment in the past still firmly in place.
But it is better.
One day, and if I know in the sharing someone else might benefit, I will write of it. I will find my courage and speak of things that are going on to others all over the world in this moment. Not wars or domestic violence, but things that can happen to anyone at anytime, no matter who they are.
Until then, this will be enough - it's a start after all.
Some things go so deep, so far under the surface, so distorted by fear, that to travel there alone might mean never to return.
But I am lucky. I may not be able to write of it just yet, but I am starting to talk about it, and I am starting to cry about it. I am being guided professionally you see, and have assistance in dealing with this past trauma. So many others never have this option. They never have a chance. They live on with the demons trapped inside of them, whispering their lies, persuading and tricking them. I want my demons gone. I want to be free.
I am in the middle of a process that is allowing my mind to go where it needs to go, in order to be free of the emotional attachments to the past. In essence, I am being re-programmed!
What will it look like when I am free? How will it feel? What shall I do? Could I ever be as I was before the events took place?
In truth, I'm not sure I would want to be as I used to be. Surely I must have learned something from it all - something that would have made me a better, wiser, kinder person? Surely there was a purpose in there somewhere?
But looking for a reason, for vaildation of my suffering, means I must still be attached to my trauma. So I'm not there yet. I'm not able to think of the events without a charge, without my investment in the past still firmly in place.
But it is better.
One day, and if I know in the sharing someone else might benefit, I will write of it. I will find my courage and speak of things that are going on to others all over the world in this moment. Not wars or domestic violence, but things that can happen to anyone at anytime, no matter who they are.
Until then, this will be enough - it's a start after all.
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