This question (of course), I am really asking of myself... How much do I really want the change I say I do? How brave am I prepared to be to allow that change to come?
Being stuck, like so many of us are, means wearing a straight jacket 24/7 for years and years and years... And the weird thing is, that straight jacket is the most comfortable item we have ever worn. So comfortable in fact, it seems to offer a protective layer against... well, everything. It offers' comfort', and makes me think I am 'able' to go about my business knowing exactly who I am, and what I can or cannot do. For so long I have worn it, I cannot imagine a life without it. I think it is me.
When life... the universe... god... whatever... nudges you - and it will in the end, make no mistake! - the first stirrings of awakening begin, and just like in the Matrix movie, the full realisation of the constraints of this straight jacket, turn it from a cosy blanket of comfort into a barbed wire overcoat. All of a sudden, we realise we have been existing inside the loving embrace of an iron maiden.
Who put this iron maiden in place? What does it consist of? How is it to be gone?
The iron maiden is every negative thought, belief and idea we have about ourselves and the world of our creation. We put it there. We installed it. We even signed up for an annual servicing agreement, to make sure it stays fully functioning. We love it.
Yesterday, my beautiful autistic daughter (who always speaks the Truth - she knows no other way of being) - told me in her special way, that I talk so much of inspiration and self awareness, of hope and light and joy, but that she never thinks I really mean it. She told me I do not live the words I spout so freely every day. She told me - in essence - that I am a liar and a fake.
She is right.
My straight jacket felt so uncomfortable last night. It hurt me like it's never hurt before. Bitterness rubbed painful blisters around my neck and anger pressed hard against my back. Regret and resentment restricted me so much, I couldn't take a full breath. For the first time, I felt the ties of this thing I wear, cutting into me. The old wounds split open and I bled.
We have to go there... If we really want change, we have to go there. It doesn't mean years in coumselling therapy, it just means acknowledging and admitting we hold these things close. It just means looking at our soul without the filters in place. It means - for me at least - to set aside the nice girl who does the right thing, who always does as she is told for fear of guilt and judgment. It means standing emotionally naked - it means looking at the truth.
What else is possible, eh?