In this strange and confusing world in which I find myself, it is easy for me to slip into the shadows and comfort of the quieter realms. Close the doors, batten down the hatches, retreat into my cave and become... invisible. Hidden in the stillness of my personal woodland, I can peep out at the living, thriving world unseen, and no one has to know I am here. If I never venture out through the doorways that keep me protected, I can feel 'safe' from criticism, judgment and 'getting it wrong'.
In here life jogs along, and just like Bilbo and Moley I don't see any reason to change it.
Digging around as I constantly do, in books and so on, I stumbled upon a piece of information that at first I didn't appreciate held such resonance for me. It said something about actually enjoying being a 'starving artist'.
It said, for some people with a certain mindset, there was much to be gained from this negative belief. It said the person who feels like this doesn't want to change their situation, because they feel it brings them some kind of noble stature - they feel superior! Believe it or not, it makes them feel good...
I am not starving, but I am in debt, and constantly worry about my future from this perspective. What happens if something breaks, goes wrong, needs repair? I'm screwed and I know it! I feel better if I keep myself at home, inside, shut down, missing, invisible and alone. But it can't possibly be because it makes me feel noble and good - can it? What on Earth is there for me to enjoy about being 'starving'.
As I pondered on this, an uncomfortable feeling began to arise. Uh Oh! I know these stirrings. These are Truths on the move, and I also know they are mighty uncomfortable when they are let out of the bag. No - this can't be why I've not had two pennies to rub together for nearly two decades! Surely not!
But is it? Pride comes before a fall, and for some being noble and poor could be seen to be a favoured state of being. My pride could have kept me here. My circumstance of struggle could be part of my definition of myself! Poor old girl! She's a trooper and a fighter and somehow, over all these years, has managed to keep it all together. Wow! What a star!
What a crock...
Jury's out... I'm still thinking.